I'm sure Chuck listened to me. The next song on the radio was a Beatles song, Getting Better. "It's getting better since you've been mine." Last was a sad Guess Who song, These Eyes. Chuck had sent this one to me before. "These eyes cry every night over you...These arms long to hold you again."

Radio went off, and I was treated to "Let me stand next to your fire." Hendrix.

In life Chuck would do anything to help people, even if he didn't know them. Many times he stopped to help guys with broken down bikes. If he knew you, he would go to great lengths to help you if you needed it. I'm sure he is doing the same in heaven. He has the kindest heart.

I think Chuck is struggling with what I'm going to do with myself. He sends me messages about me moving on, but he really doesn't want me to. When I actually stuck the tip of my toe in to test the waters, he freaked out. At least that's how it felt to me.

I got into the passenger side and thought it reminded me of my Honda and Chuck would really like it. Then Chuck got into the driver's seat. I was really happy to see him and gave him a hug. He was all bundled up in a coat and had a pretty bushy beard going this time like the framed pic I have of him driving.

He started up the car and took off like usual, a bit too fast. I just got the words out of my mouth that he better be careful when he hit a patch of ice as he turned onto the road. We went spinning around, down the embankment, into a bunch of woods. We were both laughing and laughing. The car came to rest and we could see other cars in the ditch with us. Chuck said, "See I wasn't the only one." I said soothingly, that's right. Car started right up and Chuck drove it up and back on the road.

Suddenly we were inside somewhere, on my old sectional sofa. Chuck was much thinner and had no beard. I told him he was getting skinny. We were chatting and he kept turning into one of the sofa cushions, but with his face coming out of the rounded edge. He didn't seem to notice when this happened. Mark Ritchie was there too. We all had a fun conversation, but I don't remember what it was about. I would go close to Chuck and brush my hand on his cheek and smile.

His voice sounded a lot like his brother Joe's to me and I told him he sounded like Joey. He said it must have been the pill he took - he was fighting off a cold. I said yeah, that must be it, but I was sadly thinking it's probably because I'm forgetting the sound of your voice.

Then we were playing a game of blowing these snowflake looking seeds at eachother. They were floating in the air and Chuck would blow them at me. They would come drifting over and I would blow them back. I was laughing cause I had more lung power and they would be right on top of him before he could blow them back. He got a little annoyed that I was winning the battle and jumped up to hide down some steps to let the snowflakes miss him. Then he came back and I woke up.

Radio came on later with "Keep on rolling." Over and over, at the end of the song. Chuck giving me encouragement to keep going?

More bathroom thoughts today as well. "Set me free why don't you babe?" I got upset at that and sang back to Chuck "I'm lost without your love. Life without you isn't worth the trouble of. I'm as helpless as a ship with out a wheel, a touch without a feel, and I can't believe it's real." Chuck had sent this to me before, and it's stuck with me.

Stones song, Wild Horses was on after the snooze. "Wild horses couldn't drag me away." SNOOZE!

Then the Guess Who, Laughing, which is a very sad song. "I go alone now, calling your name...Time goes slowly, but carries on, And now the best years, the best years have come and gone". This one made me cry.

I also had some lyric thoughts in the bathroom getting ready for work. "Where is the love?" Then "When will I see you again?" Definitely sadness this morning all around. :-( I will say that the Boston song seemed to be reinforcing that Chuck is telling me things via the radio.

Then was Kind of a Drag. "Girl I still love you. I'll always love you. Anyway. Anyway." Of course the song is all about "her cheating on him", but I hope Chuck intends me to focus on the loving part! I never cheated on him!

Next was a Beatles song, You Can't Do That. Another one about cheating. I don't know how Chuck could possibly want me to take this one literally...

As I was getting ready for work I had 2 songs pop in at me one after the other. First "How can I be sure in a world that's constantly changing? How can I be sure where I stand with you?" Then "Button up your overcoat when the wind blows free. Take good care of yourself, you belong to me." Chuck is bouncing all over this morning. He seems confused, but he still cares.

Off goes the radio, and first thing I hear is Paul's Listen to What the Man Said. "Love is blind for all we know, for all we know our love will grow." Then I did the snooze thing. After that Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody was on. "I see a little silhouetto of a man..." "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me..." "Will you let me go? No no no no no no!" This is what jumped out at me from that song. When I saw Chuck in the bedroom he was basically a silhouette. It sounds like Chuck is feeling sorry for himself this morning. Why shouldn't we still feel sad in heaven? Most likely we will leave people behind that we don't want to leave.

Well, Chuck doesn't have to tell me how unique he is. I already know.

Beatles song was on, She's So Heavy. "I want you. I want you so bad. I want you. I want you so bad it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad." And SNOOZE!

Then there was a Stones song, Mother's Little Helper. The Beatles/Stones combo really makes me feel Chuck is there. Once again SNOOZE!

"Anything you want, you got it." Roy Orbison. Then "So tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for you. I was a lonely soul, I had nobody till I met you." The Kinks. And a James Taylor song, Fire and Rain. "I always thought that I'd see you again."

Chuck feels very scattered this morning. Not focused. In the bathroom getting ready I had a lyric pop into my mind - "That's how much I feel, feel for you baby. That's how much I need, I need your touch."

Hit the snooze...Then I heard the end of Running Against the Wind. Sounds like another comment about me working myself too hard.

Next was the Zombies song She's Not There. Chuck played that one for me last on 6-23. Last was a Beatles song, Revolution. "You know it's going to be alright." Thank you Chuck for the encouragement!

Right after the bird flew off the next thing I heard on the radio was an Ozzy lyric - "I don't have the answers". Almost every morning I ask Chuck questions about how he is, what he's doing, what it's like in heaven, how can we communicate better. Maybe Chuck was telling me that he can't answer my questions.

I had the feeling in my dream that Chuck had been gone for a long time and I didn't know when I'd see him again. Then he came up to me and we laughed and hugged and he was talking a mile a minute about what he was doing. Something about they were giving them houses to fix up and once the houses were fixed they could do what they wanted with them. He had been gone with an acting troop of some kind. He laughed and told me he had been puttying for months. I said you're turning the houses into theaters then? He smiled.

At one point we were driving in a convertible, laughing, wind blowing our hair. Then we were laying down on a blanket in the grass next to the convertible. Sunshine, beautiful day. We were laying next to eachother cuddling and talking. Next thing I knew I was giving him a back rub. He had taken his shirt off and he was actually kind of skinny. I told him man you lost a lot of weight! Then I noticed there was a ton of stuff tattooed on his back - words, signatures, series of numbers, letters from people. I got really sad cause this meant someone was messing around with him while he was gone. Like he hadn't been faithful. I wanted to ask him about it, who had done it. But I didn't really want to know the answer. So at that point I was very sad.

Then Chuck started talking about his plans for the future. He had a brilliant idea, and it was time for us to leave I.T. We wouldn't have to work for anyone alse ever again. That cheered me up because he was including me in his plans. I gave him a big hug and he spun me around laughing like he used to in the kitchen.

Then we were at a restaurant, going to sit down and eat with a bunch of people who hadn't seen him in a while. He sat down all happy and grinning. There was no room left at the table, so I had to sit at another table. I was so unhappy I almost cried. He didn't care enough that I wasn't by him. Then Chuck switched places with a guy so he could sit next to me even though we were at different tables. I was still very sad cause he didn't care enough to make sure there was room for me first.

That was a long involved dream, and I'm sure I left out stuff cause I couldn't write it all down fast enough when I woke up! Something interesting...the next day Dave G. loaned me a movie, Memento. The main character has tattoos all over himself to remind him of things - names, numbers, phrases. I didn't put it together with this dream until after I watched the movie a few days later. I think I will have to watch it again more closely. Maybe there's something in it Chuck wants me to pay attention to!

When the radio came on, I was treated to a Beatles song, We Can Work It Out. Then an Elton song that said "Lately I've been thinking how much I miss my lady".

The dream and the Beatles song made me think - are we still the same in heaven, can we still hurt eachother? I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. The monitor in the corner started creaking a bunch of times, so I walked over to it. I felt a little of the "communication tingle" so I thought maybe Chuck is there right now. Maybe he felt bad that he upset me in that dream. I held my arms out to him so if he was there he could hug me even if I couldn't feel it. I looked at the monitor screen in case I could see him in it, but it was just a reflection of the room.

Then on the way to work, Tommy and I were on Dundee right by rt 53 and I saw a produce truck...Chuck McRae! Big bold CHUCK. :-) I smiled at that. Chuck spent a lot of time with me this morning!

Alarm went off, and the very end of an Elton song was on - "Harmony, Harmony, Harmony" over and over. Another peaceful sentiment. I hit the snooze.

Next was a BTO song - "Would you cry if I told you I had lied, and would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?" Chuck already knows the answer to that. I cried, said goodbye and then let it ride. So I guess I did all of the above! ;-)

After that was Pete Townsend's Let My Love Open the Door. "Did my love open the door to your heart?" "Only one thing gonna set you free, that's my love."

Lastly Joe Cocker - "You feeling alright? I'm not feeling too good myself." Chuck doesn't seem that happy this morning.

Next was a Chicago song Call On Me. "I love you. You know I do. You love me too." I had to look at the lyrics to get the whole meaning of the song. This was one of those "take every word literally" songs. It made a big impact on me. I don't know if I can do what he says he wants me to do in the song.

Then there was a quick station promo. Turned out that in honor of Mick Jagger's 60th birthday they were going to play 60 Stones songs in a row. Now that is Chuck emphasizing his point! ;-)

After that I heard "I'm a man, yes I am and I can't help but love you so." Another Chicago song!

Finally was a Who song, My Generation - "Hope I die before I get old." Chuck told me many times that he was surprised that he made it to 30, and that he didn't think he would see 40. Somehow I think I knew that he wouldn't be around. I never had visions or daydreams of us growing old together. :-(

Then I felt myself leave my body and Chuck was with me, travelling inside of me. I travelled instantly to this lady who was trying to ride this very strange motorcycle. It looked more like a bicycle with a motorcycle tank on it. It was way too tall for the lady. The lady reminded me of Colleen Powell, tattoo Tommy's sister.

Chuck started speaking to her thru me. I would hear his voice an instant before I would hear mine as I spoke to her. I told her "The child is very very sick. You must get help. He has a fever." Then we repeated "He has a fever" over and over until she got on her bike and rode off. She was very upset. We travelled slowly after her in the same direction and eventually caught up with her.

She was sitting on the ground under a big tree, crying. She said she was too late, he was gone, she wasn't in time. I could feel Chuck was very sad. We tried to comfort her. Some other people arrived to console her and I woke up.

Was Chuck using my help to try to warn someone? He obviously knew something was wrong. Maybe only someone who was living could get thru to this person and because we have such a strong connection, I could pass along his warning?

Then when the radio went off I heard over and over "Gotta keep my love alive." Think that's the very end of a Heart song.

Radio went off and one of my favorite John Lennon songs was on, Imagine. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Some day you'll join us, and the world will be as one." Yes, Chuck, some day I will join you.

I zoned out just thinking about stuff, and when I focused my attention back to the radio I heard "It's all clear, you were meant to be here, from the beginning." It was the very end of From the Beginning by Emerson Lake and Palmer. Again, Chuck is telling me that he thinks I'm supposed to be with him. I've told him that I would like him to wait for me. I think he is going to.

Then my monitor started creaking again like crazy! I asked Chuck if that meant he was right by the monitor right then. The radio was on it's news break, and I talked to Chuck the whole time, tried to relax to see if I could see him by the monitor or feel his presence.

Next song was the Guess Who, These Eyes. Made me cry. "These eyes cry every night over you...these eyes have seen a lot of love, but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you." More and more I believe that Chuck sees me staying behind as leaving him. It's all in the perspective. Altho I really don't think that he left me. It was time for him to go. He didn't have a choice.

As the song ended, something in the bathroom started creaking like crazy. I asked Chuck if he was in the bathroom now. I was trying to decide if I wanted to investigate what was creaking, and the next song was Do Ya, by ELO - "Do ya do ya want my love?" I told Chuck of course I want your love.

I hit the snooze. Next song on was the Stones Miss You. Right back at you pookie - I miss you too.

Next thing I realized I was having a waking kind of dream. I was in the half-awake-half-asleep mode and saw a vision of sorts. A curved triangle was slowly spinning. It had a thin border of intricately carved metal. One point was straight up, and I guess it was an isosceles - all sides the same size. The middle was dark, but it looked like some light was reflecting off of the metal, it was shiny as it spun.

It stopped spinning and faced me and a brilliant white light came blasting out of it. I was scared. I had read in the Echoes of the Soul book about how the author was given a gift of visiting heaven, and I thought this might be like that. Maybe Chuck wanted to show me around. I knew it wasn't my time, but maybe he was allowed to give me a peek. I felt my soul grin and give my silver cord a twang, like I was testing it's strength before going into the light. (according to the Echoes book, your soul is connected to your body with a silver cord) But my waking self was too nervous and I woke myself up all the way before I could go into the light. Of course now I wish I wasn't such a chicken. I may have seen some amazing things, and at the least would have had a nice visit with Chuck. :-(

When the radio went off I hit the snooze and just lay there thinking. I have a computer (Zlurp dev box!) in the corner of the bedroom. The monitor started giving these very loud creaks. I have heard it do it every once in a great while, but not like this. It creaked 3 or 4 times in a row, a short pause, then 1 more creak, a longer pause, and 2 more creaks. I immediately thought that was Chuck. I said hi, and sent him warm, smiling thoughts. At work I tried to figure out if he was sending me a coded message of some sort. Tried to look up 4-1-2 and 3-1-2 various ways. Was it morse code or a bible passage? I couldn't find anything that made any sense.

When the radio went off the song Ventura Highway was on - "How long you gonna stay here Joe?"

Then was that wonderful George song What is Life.
"Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side."
Chuck sent that one to me before on 5/2. It always makes me cry and miss him very much.

I had to search to see what song this was and I think it was Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. It talks about going off into the mystic together.

Then was Jackson Browne - She's Got To Be Somebody's Baby. That felt like Chuck was giving me a compliment. :-)

Last song this morning was Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane. Chuck played this for me before on 6/11 exactly a month ago! I'm still not sure if he's giving me a push to move on? I'm not ready for that...

Next was a Steely Dan song, Peg. The line that made an impression was "When you smile for the camera, you know I love you better". To me, this felt like it tied in with yesterday when Chuck sent me the beautiful Ringo song, Photograph. Today, Chuck is telling me to smile.

Last was a song I never heard before. It kept saying "I ain't got nobody that I can depend on". That was a bit depressing, but maybe Chuck meant that's how he feels about up in heaven. I hope that doesn't include me!

A little later I was in the shower and I had a song lyric come in loud and clear - "Heaven must be missing an angel". That was very sweet. Things like this show me that Chuck misses me and wants me to be with him.

Next there was a Neil Young song that told me "It's better to burn out than it is to rust" and "There's more to the picture than meets the eye". If anyone would have rather burned out than rusted, that would have been Chuck. He definitely lived life to the fullest.

Last was I'm No Angel again. I heard this one before on 6-23. I heard "I'll never leave you cold" when the radio clicked on.

At 9, when the radio came on I heard "I Came For You" again! Chuck sent that to me on the radio on 6-22. Then was a Yes song that told me "I still remember the time you said goodbye". I actually did say goodbye to Chuck once. I'm sure he has relived that whole episode and now clearly sees what it did to me.

I hit the snooze and sang him some phrases from that Tommy song I sang the other day. I wanted to see if I could do anything to cheer him up. When the radio came on after the snooze I heard "I am the eye in the sky, looking at you, I can read your mind". So I think Chuck was definitely visiting me this morning and could listen to what I sent him.

I have felt lately that it has been harder for me to establish contact with Chuck as easily as I used to. I feel my mind racing all the time now. It's harder to keep it clear and focused to get that tingly line of communication back. But I haven't stopped trying!

When the radio came on, it was playing Black Is Black by Los Bravos. Chuck played me this song before on 4-30. When I hear it, I know he's thinking of me and misses me.

Then was Steppenwolf Magic Carpet Ride. "Well, you don't know what We can see, Why don't you tell your dreams to me, Fantasy will set you free".

A Fleetwood Mac song, Sara, played on the radio when I woke up. "Sara, you're the poet in my heart". I believe he heard me. I believe he wants me to be with him.

The radio came on with "Funny, IÕve been there, And youÕve been here, And we ainÕt had no time to drink that beer". From Sandman by America. I believe Chuck feels our separation still as sharply as I do.

I hope Chuck is smiling when he points out Chuck signs to me. They always makes me smile. :-)

When the radio went off, the first thing on was from American Pie: "Did you write the book of love, And do you have faith in God above, If the Bible tells you so?" Then there was a short break.

The next song was a Beatles song (Nowhere Man), and following that was Rolling Stones song (She's So Cold). I don't think the songs themselves had meaning, but to have a Beatles then a Stones song, to me, was an answer to my question. Yes, the music is for me from Chuck.

When I look back at the lyrics, this is another "straight from Chuck's heart" song. I miss him so much. And he misses me. Heh, and what did I say just yesterday about wanting a blue-eyes song?

"Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart"
Words to live by.

The first thing that caught my attention was "And I know baby, So I've got scars upon my cheek, And I'm half crazy, Come on and love me baby" from I'm No Angel, by Gregg Allman. People used to call Chuck Gregg Allman. I'm going to add him to my Look Alikes category. :-)

Next was another repeat song (heard it before on 6/18) - No One Told Me About Her by the Zombies. "Her voice is soft and cool, Her eyes are clear and bright, But she's not there"

I hit the snooze and woke up again to Green-Eyed Lady by Sugarloaf. This song is beautiful. Too bad it wasn't about blue eyes! ;-)

Fleetwood Mac was next, which I always pay attention to in particular. It was Monday Morning. If I take the whole song literally, Chuck still seems unsure about the depth of our feelings for eachother. But it also says that he would be there if I want him.

Last song before I finally got outta bed was Good Lovin' by the Young Rascals. "Gimme that good, good lovin...All I need is lovin..."

I sang him a bunch of love songs to tell him he'd never lose me.

On the radio, the first thing was "I came for you". Not sure of the artist. Then was Pinball Wizard by the Who. I felt like this was referring to Mark Ritchie. Is Chuck is giving me a hint about something to do with Mark? We shall see. If something happens tomorrow I'll add it to this entry!

We had a joke that Chuck was going to get USDA Prime tattooed on his butt cause he was Grade A Prime Chuck. :-)

This morning was the last 2 songs from a Crosby Stills Nash album side, Long Time Gone, and 49 Bye Byes which asks "Who do you love?"

We have a Steak and Shake in McHenry. One of the first times we went there Chuck asked if he could have a banana shake. They said they didn't make them. Chuck asked if he brought in a banana, would they make him a banana shake? The waitress said sure! So we walked out and walked over to the Dominick's next door. Bought 2 bananas, and came back. Chuck got his banana shake and was extremely pleased with himself! ;-)

After that, almost every time we went to that Steak and Shake, first Chuck would pull up to Dominick's, I would run in and buy 2 bananas, and Chuck would happily present them to the waitress as we ordered banana shakes.

From Simon and Garfunkel, Mrs. Robinson, I caught "Heaven holds a place for those who pray." And "Jesus loves you more than you will know."

Then from the Moody Blues, Nights In White Satin, I got "Just what you want to be, you can be in the end, And I love you, how I love you." Then I hit the snooze.

Last was a Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide. From that I got "I've been afraid of changes cause I've built my life around you." Boy, that one could go for BOTH of us. We may have been almost too close, too dependent/reliant on eachother.

When I went back to sleep I sang Chuck Wait by the Beatles. Basically asking him to wait for me in heaven. From what I've read, Chuck has free choice about how long to stay in heaven. He may want to come back to earth again, reincarnate. Souls come back because they want to learn things, or they want to right past wrongs they have done. Anyway, I sang that song to him a few times, cause I really do want him to wait for me. I'd like to see him again.

Radio came on as it's supposed to. ;-) First lyrics this morning were "Her voice is soft and cool, her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there." A Zombies song, No One Told Me About Her. Right at the end. Then was George Rafferty's Right Down The Line. I really lost it when this one was on. This was another song that felt like he was telling me his heart word for word. This song haunted me for 2 days. I kept hearing it over and over in my mind. I think Chuck will wait for me. :-)

Last song before a break was a Stones song, Sympathy For The Devil. When I hear a Stones song, I look at it as the period to a sentence. It tells me that this was from Chuck. The song itself didn't feel like it was meant to tell me something. Just the fact that it was the Rolling Stones.

When the snooze was over, the first thing I heard was "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little lost now." Was Unwell by Matchbox 20. The actual lyrics are different from what I thought I heard. Weird. It feels to me that Chuck has good days and bad. Today he seems sad. I wish I could talk to him better!

Oh, I had tuned the radio to WZOK instead of the Drive, but it's right by that frequency. In fact after I found out it wasn't the Drive I tried to tune it back and I couldn't find it. I gave up!

The station was slightly off when the radio came back on. It snapped back in tune and I heard "I do appreciate you being round. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me?" The very end of Help by the Beatles. Chuck seems to be going back and forth. Maybe not able to make a decision of some sort. Of course I'd help him out if I knew what I could do for him!

I woke up and started drifting back off to sleep. I felt like someone folded the blanket over me, gave me a nice warm hug, and murmured reassuringly into my ear. I thought it was Chuck. I relaxed and felt the tingle I get when I am communicating. Suddenly I felt my body jerk sharply. I had just read about this in the Echoes book. It was a physical sign that my soul was leaving my body to communicate with another soul. I was scared, but I knew what was going on. I still had the line of communication, so I asked "Is that you Chuck?"

Then I had a dream...Someone made me look into a mirror. I asked again "Is that you Chuck?" A figure kind of wobbled into focus in the mirror, but it was a cartoon like Sealab 2001. It was a red-haired guy with a beard. He was in bed. I was disappointed cause it wasn't Chuck. The guy patted the empty space beside him and a blonde lady slid into bed next to the guy. I was confused. I asked "Is that supposed to be me?" Then I got angry cause I thought Chuck or someone was telling me to go to bed with someone and I sent a strong flash of anger. After I did that I was sorry cause I just didn't understand what they were trying to tell me. Then the blonde turned into an older, tired looking woman who was crying, and the red-haired guy turned into the blonde lady. I've been confused about this. I got the strong feeling that Chuck was trying to tell me something. Something I learned from the Echoes book is that at this point, Chuck is reviewing his life. He's looking at what went right, what went wrong, who did he hurt. He's doing an intense analysis. After thinking about it, I think the red-haired guy was Chuck. I think Chuck was telling me that he really understands the impact of some of his actions towards me.

When I finally was woken by the radio, the song Sounds of Silence was on! Chuck had been listening to me for sure. Next was a Fleetwood Mac song, Go Your Own Way. Fleetwood Mac is significant cause Chuck liked them a lot. This is kind of a sad song. I got a little upset. It seemed like Chuck was telling me to give up on him. The last song in this set was amazing. It was Todd Rundgren's I Saw The Light. I've always loved this song. It felt like Chuck was telling me his feelings word for word. One of the questions I had asked him was if he really loved me. I have my answer.

First lyrics I heard today were "I never loved no one the way that I loved you" by Paul Simon from the end of Late in the Evening. Then there was the Bee Gees song Lonely Days, Lonely Nights, Where Would I Be Without My Woman. Last song before a break was Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane. That one confused me. Does Chuck think I should move on? I would say most of his other messages are about him loving me, wanting to be with me, wanting me to love him, so this doesn't make sense to me.

When the radio went off it was playing a John Beatles song, Norwegian Wood. I think Chuck was answering my feather image with a John song. :-)

Then next song was Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven. This song made me think. I believe Chuck is questioning a lot of things. Maybe he doesn't think I would want to be with him if I was in heaven.

Radio went off again and it was I'm a Believer by the Monkees. That one got me. I hit the snooze again...

This time I heard You are so beautiful to me... by Joe Cocker. Which also made me feel good - another love song. And then there was a satellite service commercial. ;-)

Chuck seemed happier this morning.

As I drifted back to sleep I sent him thoughts of love and that I wanted to find a better way for us to have 2 way communication if we could.

When my radio went off, it had drifted off of "Chuck's" station, the Drive. I tuned it back and I immediately heard "My baby wrote me a letter." the same Joe Cocker song Chuck played me on May 3. When I hear that song I know Chuck heard me. :-)

After that was a Rolling Stones song, Gimme Shelter. I think this one was just an acknowledgement that this was Chuck communicating. The lyrics didn't seem applicable to anything!

Next was a Beatles song, Look What You're Doing. I get worried when he sends me sad songs. I always hope he hasn't misinterpreted something I've tried to send him. I would never do anything to hurt him. I never did.

Last I heard Heart Full Of Soul by the Yardbirds. The funny thing about this is that yesterday evening Tommy and I were talking about this album. I even pulled out my vinyl and we looked at it. I bet Chuck was there to see us do that. But it's another sad song. Chuck must be unhappy today. And it tears me up cause I don't know what to do about it. :-(

Chuck seems to be telling me that heaven is a good place. But he wants to be with me. Maybe he wishes I was there with him?

Next song on the radio was the Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want. I'm not sure if he was just telling me it was him by playing a Stones song, or if he was telling me I should accept that I can't always get what I want. (Chuck was the Stones man, and I was the Beatles girl - we had lots of discussions about their relative merits!)

I had a crazy dream that unfortunately I couldn't remember. :-(

Then I heard someone talk into my right ear, a bit louder than a whisper, but sort of a hoarse voice. He said "hey...hey" Definitely wanted my attention. I knew it was Chuck even tho it didn't sound like his voice. I felt like I had a good "connection", the relaxed, tingly feeling. So I asked Chuck some questions, but I didn't get any immediate answers.

I woke up fully to see a cartoon on the tv. It was "Rainbow Fish" - definitely a brightly colored fish! I think Chuck woke me up so I could see it and know he was thinking of me.

The radio went off again and I heard "Stay just a little bit longer" by Jackson Browne. I'm sure Chuck wants to keep contact longer with me as much as I want to keep talking with him.

Half an hour later at work, Jack called to talk. Jack is our "man in London" and is our Touch-IT linux guru! I didn't make this connection until the next morning, but Chuck was giving me a heads up that Jack was going to call!

Chuck sent me another love song this morning. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. "In your eyes, The light the heat, In your eyes, I am complete..." You have to read all the lyrics to appreciate it fully. I miss you so much Chuck.

Once again I feel that he heard me. The radio had drifted off of it's station. I tuned it back, and the first thing I heard on the radio was "I love you, I love you, I love you, yes I do, but the words won't come, and I don't know what to say!" Song is (big surprise!) I Love You by People.

I was so happy that Chuck didn't really say good bye like I was afraid he did. But I think he may be getting more and more upset at not being able to communicate the way he wants to. "Something holds me back when I try to tell you." Straight from the song. I will say that he has been extremely creative in telling me things thru songs.

This sounded like a good bye. I tried to talk to him for a while after that.

I woke up with a line from a Beatles song in my thoughts - "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream." I bet I need to relax more to let Chuck get thru to me. I tend to THINK too much!

I fell back to sleep. When the radio woke me I heard "Call my name and I'll be gone. You'll reach out and I won't be there..." Song is Minute By Minute by the Doobie Brothers. This one made me cry. I wish so much I could just straight out talk to him. I believe he really wants to talk to us very badly.

When I woke to the radio I heard "Take a ride to the land inside of your mind." This is Journey to the Center of The Mind by Amboy Dukes.

The 2 "ride" songs definitely left me feeling Chuck wanted to tell me something. Both songs talk about looking inward. Of course the Amboy Dukes were rather drug influenced, but I don't think Chuck was telling me to do drugs! ;-) Maybe he wants me to do some needed soul searching.

Then Chuck put on these broken sunglasses - the left lens was popped out. He kept posing and making funny faces, kissy faces and such. I thought the glasses looked like John Lennon's sunglasses. I kept trying to take pictures, but the camera wasn't cooperating. It wouldn't flash so I didn't think it was taking the pic.

Chuck plopped down in this big stuffed chair in the corner and kept making faces. I came over and said "What did you do to the camera? You were the last one to use it!" He didn't stop making faces. Then I thought maybe there were too many pictures on it and it was full. So I sat down on the chair by him and looked at the pics that were on the camera.

There was a bunch. They were pics of Chuck and I going on a tour of some house and seeing a tv show being shot. I guess vacation pics?

While I was looking at the pics and showing them to Chuck he asked me "How did you get the house to stay so warm? You always wanted a warm house and we could never get it warm enough."

Then I woke up and had some song lyrics in my head - "I was looking for love in all the wrong places...God bless the day I met you..."

Seems like Chuck was trying to cheer me up. I have been very sad lately.

My phone said it was 12:15am September 23, 2003.

I dont know what this date will mean, but I'm sure Chuck is giving me a heads up!

I had another date encounter with Chuck a while back. I woke up at my Mom's with a date very strongly in my mind. It was October 7, 1972.
Chuck would have only been 2! If this date rings any bells with anyone, I'd love to hear from you!

I decided I was going to try very hard to send a message to Chuck. Mostly it's been him sending to me. So I tried to drift back to sleep and repeat some lyrics over and over to him. I sang in my head the Cheap Trick song "If you want my love you got it. When you need my love you got it. I won't hide it. I won't throw your love away, oo." Over and over. And then I thought about the Grease song that we enjoyed together when the movie was on - "You're the one that I want..." And I fell back to sleep.

When the radio woke me, the first thing I heard was Joe Cocker singing "My baby wrote me a letter, said she couldn't live without me no more..."

So I believe he heard me. I felt so much better after I heard that. I've been a bit upset worrying about him. He's seemed so unhappy.

The song lyrics in my head was a medley of Elvis. (Chuck loved Elvis!) First I heard "Oh let me be your loving teddy bear". This has significance to me in 2 ways...right now I have 3 teddy bears that people gave me in the hospital next to me in bed. And we always called eachother "pookie", which to us were these 2 polar bears on a card I gave him a long time ago. Then I heard "C'mon and be my little good luck charm", and finally "I'm in love - I'm all shook up". It was just those 3 lines.

The song on the radio really made me cry to listen closely to. It was George Harrison, What is Life. And again it's Beatles related.

Chuck seems upset, and I don't know how to make him feel better. :-(

I woke up at 4:15am this morning with a line from a song in my thoughts. It was "Tell me baby, are you thinking of me?" from Satisfaction Guaranteed. Can't remember the artist.

This is not a song I know well or hear often. I think Chuck does miss me. He wants me to tell him that I still miss him.

I fell back asleep, and the radio woke me with more messages from Chuck. The first song I heard was the last verse of Spirit in the Sky. I can't remember it word for word, but it talks about him being a sinner, but he has a friend in Jesus, and when he dies, gonna recommend him to the spirit in the sky. He's gonna go to the place that's the best.

The next song was the Beatles, Got to Get You Into My Life. That whole song was like Chuck telling me how he felt about me. The fact it was a Beatles song made it so much more meaningful.

Then there was a very short station break that just said how important music was. Then there was a Roy Orbison song, You Got It - "anything you want, you got it".

Music was always very important to Chuck. I've never told anyone about this, but when we were first together, Chuck would e-mail me songs to tell me how he felt. He was never good at speaking his feelings, so he let the songs do it for him. I think he's still doing that now.

I listened and heard
Black is black, I want my baby back.
Gray is gray, since you went away.
What can I do? I'm feeling blue.

This really made me think. Sometimes I feel that Chuck left me, but I really know it's not true - he certainly didn't have a choice. But what about from his point of view? Maybe he feels that I've left HIM. I went everywhere with him for years, but I didn't go with him this time.

I think Chuck may be sad. Maybe he misses the way things were.

As I hid in the office, Chuck stuck his head all the way thru this large mail slot. He looked like he did when we picked up his Vette in 1998. Shorter hair, just growing it out. Scruffy beard. He was wearing his green Laborer's Union t-shirt.

He was laughing and teasing me. He kept pointing to his face cause he wanted me to kiss him. Every time I leaned in to give him a kiss he playfully dodged me and laughed. I finally planted one on him and he pulled back out of the mail slot.

I came out of the office and we started walking thru the mall. But now he was a little boy. He didn't look like he really did as a little boy, which would have been kind of skinny and with glasses. He looked like a scaled down version of himself as an adult, but with a younger face. He was a bit shorter than me.

I looked at him and laughed and said "It's hard to believe, but you're going to get so tall that I'll only come to almost your shoulder!" Chuck smiled up at me. Then I asked if he would remember me giving him his first kiss. He said he would always remember his first kiss.

To the right of the tv a figure appeared. It was Chuck. He was wearing a Harley t-shirt and jeans. But he wasn't sharp - he looked like he was behind many layers of rubber. Not blurry, but how you would look if you were pressing against a balloon. And he was all in shades of blue.

I shifted my attention to look straight at him and he was gone. But then I momentarily felt that same electric tingling I felt the time I had a conversation with him. After that I was wide awake again and I knew I wouldn't see him again right then. I wasn't relaxed and open to communication.

I wish seeing him wasn't such a shock cause it broke the link of communication. That's happened several times!

I was packing things up, getting ready to move back home from my Mom's. Looked thru some old magazines one last time.

This magazine was an Entertainment Weekly from September, think it was Sept. 16. Someone brought it to me in the hospital.

I was reading the article on Steven King. He was in some kind of accident and mangled his leg pretty badly. They showed him with a nasty looking cage on his leg, and a walker sitting close by. I thought, that's like me!

Then I looked at the next page. It was an ad for one of those new camera phones. Guess what the picture was on the phone? A brightly colored fish!

It was Chuck and me on opposite pages. I ripped the pages out. Maybe I will scan them to share...

I will have to watch again and actually write down all the things I noticed. The ones I remember were at the beginning there was a Blondie song that Chuck loved. Then there was a tank of brightly colored fish. If you read below, you'll know how special that is to me. Then the last song you hear is a Rolling Stones song. I'll come back and add the other things when I see the movie again! There were 5 or 6!

I didn't mention I thought Chuck was there to anyone until the next day.

Take two:
The next morning, Tommy told me about what happened later that night. His friend Jeff gave him a birthday get-together. Everyone was sitting outside, it was late enough to be dark, and a cardinal appreared. It perched on a branch by everyone and started squawking at them non-stop. Mary Beth said that when a cardinal appears, it represents a spirit. Everyone felt that Chuck was at Tommy's party.

Third time:
I got a letter from Chuck's Mom. She told me that night she had a dream about Chuck. Something about finding an old jacket of his.

He was very busy this day! He visited 3 times. I wonder if he missed us and wanted to stop by.

Last week I had a conversation of sorts with him. I felt this faint electric tingling thru my whole body, and I saw Chuck in my mind sort of above and to the right of my head. I found I could only ask him yes or no questions. He would give me a happy big goofy smile if the answer was yes, a quiet little frown for no, and a big shrug if he didn't know.

I can't remember what I asked. I just liked that he was answering me!

This morning was a bit different. It wasn't the usual dream. I was laying in bed and it felt like someone lay down next to me and put their arms around me. It was an amazing, incredible feeling, and it scared me cause I wasn't expecting anything like that, so I was jolted awake.

I'm so sorry that I got scared and couldn't keep that feeling longer.

Chuck was working in a restaurant in the kitchen. I walked in the back to say hi. He was kind of disheveled and sweaty. He was working hard. I went to give him a kiss and saw that he didn't look too well. He whispered to me that he had cancer. When I kissed him, his lips were hot, dry and cracked. I was very upset. He kind of smiled and told me to watch for Blue (Blues Clues!) in Las Vegas. That made me smile a little, and then I had to leave.

He was dressed in painter's clothes, and ran off laughing. I believe Chuck is happy. I think he's having fun doing a "home improvement" project right now.

This is the third dream I've had with him in it. He has always looked the same physically. I would really like to believe that this is how he's visiting with me, and telling me he's ok.

That's when we learned about the ID3V2 tag. In their manual they describe all the frames that you can have in a tag. The obvious artist, title, year, genre. Then they got into really nit picky stuff like the engineers, recording studio, popularity. Then there was the "brightly colored fish" frame. Chuck and I kept looking at eachother laughing. It just had to be a joke! But there it is - any fully supported tag must include the brightly colored fish frame. So of course we were going to support that!

Now flash forward to the hospital. People were showing me what was in that huge basket that I.T. put together for me. There was all kinds of snacks, books, magazines. And at the bottom there was this plastic goldfish with bright orange spots. I didn't really think too much about it, just was a little puzzled about why it was there.

I was at my sister's house for a couple of days and it finally hit me - it was a brightly colored fish. I scrambled around asking everyone, who put that in the basket. No one knew. They think it may have been our spacy concierge Laura, who quit while I was in the hospital. If Chuck wanted to influence anyone to get me a particular thing, it would have been her! I really think that he put that in the basket to tell me he was ok. We were, until I wrote this of course, the only 2 people who knew about the brightly colored fish. No one else would have known what that would mean to me.

If you've seen the movie What Dreams May Come, you'll understand this next part...I also think that Chuck gave me the brightly colored fish to tell me to look for that when I go to the other side. When I see the fish, I'll have found Chuck.