This morning radio was Norah Jones - What Am I To You. Told Chuck he was important to me, I loved him. Monitor creaking at me now as I'm writing this!

Later on in the drive I found myself behind a van with the license "44". Chuck definitely drove in to work with me this morning.

Tonight I was attempting to get started on my taxes. Had set up a new printer and tried to get wireless networking done. I'm being brain dense right now! There was something I selected during all of this that I knew Chuck liked. I smiled and said "You like this." And my monitor creaked at me a few times. I said "Hi Chuck!" And thought happy thoughts to him. Rats! I wish I could remember exactly what it was - wasn't 1/2 hour ago that it happened! D'oh!

Later that day, Jim and I were in Circuit City and he was looking at games. He had a series bargain set and was saying what a good deal it was. Turned it over and I read on the back that it "included CZ". I thought that was a very cool sign Chuck! Smiled a lot.

Trying to go thru stuff in the office. Was flipping thru discs of lots of software Chuck worked on at Viacom. One of the monitors happily creaked at me when I came across an Exodus CD mixed in. I laughed and said I wouldn't throw it out, and I'd set aside the discs for Brad.

Made me a bit sad.

Later while driving around, we saw a car get absurdly stuck in a parking lot. We were laughing and it finally turned around and I saw it was a CZ plate. Thank you for the giggle Chuck!

We hugged and giggled for a bit and I kind of rolled on top of him. I said I love you. He got kind of quiet and said no you don't. I got a little upset and said of course I do, that has never changed. I then was trying to convince him that I did indeed love him. You always had to hit Chuck over the head to convince him of something if he thought differently!

I know he felt that way because I am dating Jim. Then we had a discussion about me dating again. He was sad. I asked him if he thought I shouldn't be dating anyone ever again. I could tell he was tempted to say yes. And then he said not for 7 years. I said 7 years??? Oh come on! You don't really mean that. Then I asked him if he wanted me to kill myself to be with him, and he didn't say anything. I said you really want me to do that? Still nothing. Then I told him about what I read about killing yourself - that it takes your soul a long time to recover and it hurts your soul. He was startled and asked where I read that. I asked him, "Didn't you know that already? Is it true?" He wouldn't answer and looked uneasy. I said I know there are a lot of things you're not supposed to tell me. Then I told him a bunch of times I loved him and always will and asked him to wait for me. He seemed to feel a bit better about things and got up and walked around the room, into the bathroom. It was like he was enjoying visiting his house.

Jim was down the hall and looked into the bedroom to see who I was talking to. Chuck peeked out of the bathroom and they saw each other. Jim said "Oh" and went into the exercise room. I nervously asked Chuck if I should go say something to him or introduce them. He said maybe later. We were both smiling and happy again. I was asking him a bunch of questions. How was he doing? Is he ok? I asked if he could hear me when I just talked to him, and he surprised me by saying not really. I said Oh, I thought you could hear me! I asked him if he watched us a lot down here and kept up on what was going on. He said not really. I was surprised again. I said so much has happened, people have died. He looked at me expectantly and I couldn't remember who died. So I told him, here's something - Tommy is back with Anette! He was a little amused. But it wasn't as big of a reaction as I expected.

Then Oreo came down the hall and into the bedroom. Right up to me and leaned on my leg and looked up at me smiling, tongue hanging out. I was so happy to see her! I petted and petted her head and back, and her tail was going crazy. A lady walked in and said "There you are" to Oreo. She said "Someone owned her before I did." And I said it was me. I leaned over and Oreo licked my face over and over. Puppy kisses! The lady said "I can tell." I said "I'm the one who gave her to you. Don't you remember?" And after a minute, Oreo left with the lady. I was a little sad to see her go.

Then Chuck and I enjoyed each other's company again. We weren't really talking, just standing nearby, enjoying that we were spending time together. Then Jim walked down the hall and into the bedroom, but he had turned into Jeff. He sort of reached out his hand and I said, "Jim, this is Chuck, Chuck, Jim" and introduced them. I was a bit anxious. They both sort of held out their hands and missed a couple of times when they tried to shake. They finally briefly connected, and all 3 of us looked sad. Then Jim/Jeff left down the hall. Chuck and I hung out a little longer. We weren't so happy now. I did tell him I didn't want to say goodbye, and I hoped he wasn't saying goodbye to me. I felt that he was leaving, the dream was fading. I could feel love and sadness too. I don't like to think Chuck is sad. It tears me up.

I didn't write this down right away this morning. Laying in bed tonight trying to remember the song. Finally asked Chuck, "What was the song you played for me this morning?" It popped right into my mind! I said thank you Chuck!

Then alarm went off with Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends. That song always hits me hard. I still miss you incredibly much Chuck. Can't even express it.